You Can Lead a Leader to Change . . . But You Can’t Make Them Change

“How do I convince a leader to be more aware - to actually want to change?”

What a great question.

It came up after our keynote on Reimagining Leadership - and it’s one I suspect many of us have been asked at some point (I know I have).

It reminds me of the old saying: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.

The same is true of leadership. You can point out the behaviours. You can explain the impact. You can even show them the evidence. But you can’t make someone want to change.

In our work, we talk about the 3 A’s of Stepping Up Your Greatness: Awareness. Acceptance. Action. But what do you do when you can’t get a leader to take even the first step? When they don’t believe they need to change - or simply don’t want to?

“What I often see is that resistance isn’t about refusing change, it’s about fear, uncertainty, or not feeling safe enough yet. Small steps, trust, and meeting leaders where they are has worked better for me than pushing big frameworks.” Laila Chhamma, Human Resources Head at Hiba Pharma

Here are six practical ways to help leaders take that important first step toward awareness and growth. Choose the one - or combination - that best fits the leader in front of you and the situation you’re navigating.

1. Start with curiosity, not criticism

Very few people become more self-aware because someone tells them they lack awareness. What does create awareness is curiosity.

Instead of pointing out what’s wrong, ask thoughtful questions that invite reflection. Try shifting from: “You need to be more aware of how you come across.” To: “I’m curious - how do you think that landed with the team?”

One feels like judgement. The other feels like exploration. So if you want them to drink, don’t shove their head in the water. Help them notice they might be thirsty.

2. Understand their “why”

Resistance almost always has a reason. Are they feeling threatened? Overwhelmed? Burned out? Under pressure from above? Sometimes what looks like arrogance is fear. What looks like indifference is self-protection.

Most leaders don’t wake up thinking, “Today’s the day I hope someone challenges my behaviour.” They care about results. Reputation. Credibility. So link awareness to something they already value.

When awareness supports success, it feels far less threatening - and far more relevant.

3. Use data, not drama

Emotion escalates. Data clarifies.

Objective information shifts the conversation from opinion to evidence. Which is exactly why we’ve developed our Behaviour Awareness Tool for leaders. Because nothing brings a leader closer to the water than structured, behaviour-based feedback directly from their own team.

When leaders see patterns in real data, it moves the conversation from: “Do I really do that?” to “That’s interesting. . . I didn’t realise that.”

Data doesn’t eliminate discomfort. But it grounds the conversation in something real.

4. Shine a light on their leadership shadow

Every leader casts a shadow. The real question is - are they aware of it?

Too often, leaders aren’t intentional about their shadow because they’ve never been taught to think about it. Some inspire, build trust, and create thriving cultures. Others - often unknowingly - leave behind fear, dysfunction, or burnout.

That’s why helping leaders understand the concept of leadership shadow is so powerful. Once they grasp that their everyday behaviour shapes the emotional climate around them, something shifts.

“When leaders realise their behaviour sets the tone, they start to see that change starts with them. And when they understand that their current approach could be a liability, not just culturally but commercially or legally, they’re more open to reflection.” Mathew Paine, HR Consultant at HR Experts UK

5. Create safety - especially for their ego

If a leader senses blame, shame, or personal attack, they disengage. And once defensiveness kicks in, awareness shuts down and action simply won’t follow.

Growth requires psychological safety - even (especially) for senior leaders. For this reason, position development as something strong leaders choose, not something failing leaders are forced into.

“You are inviting them into the high performer club, not dragging them into the naughty corner.” Michelle Hartley, Founder of People Sorted

Remember, no one drinks when they feel pushed.

6. Be realistic

And finally, keep in mind that you can invite reflection. You can create the right conditions. You can gently plant the seed. But you can’t force readiness.

Going back to the metaphor - you can lead a horse to water - drinking (change) is a choice. Readiness comes when someone feels safe enough, curious enough, or motivated enough to truly look in the mirror.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to push harder. It’s to leave a question lingering. Offer an insight that quietly stays with them. Create just enough discomfort to spark reflection - without triggering defence. And then allow them, in their own time, to take that first step.

So next time you face a leader resisting awareness and change, ask yourself: How can I help them get to the water - without trying to force the drink?

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If you'd like to chat about our Step Up Your Greatness programme or approach please contact us, we'd love to help and support you and your leaders.